Ice Skaters in Central Park New York City, New York USA (c) Ray Laskowitz
friday night was very emotional for me. my dad called and warned me not to freak out. i appreciate that my dad is sensitive and protective of my feelings but i'd rather hear things straight off than break it to me gently. my grandmother was rushed to the hospital that same day and my parents were about to leave to see her. i emailed all my friends in the wee hours of the morning not to vent but to tell them i was going on sabbatical. i also emailed my best friend separately and told him i needed to rejuvenate. i've dropped off the face of the earth once so i promised them if that happens again, i'd tell my guys first. in the email, my opening words were, "i don't know how this email will turn out but here goes." because i really didn't know. i ended up telling them about my questions for God. the night was cold but i felt hot inside. i was angry and all the pent-up feelings came flooding out. i had so many questions like, "how do you [God] feel, really? how do you feel when people die, or when someone's heart is broken? well, mine's broken now. do you feel it, too?" i guess i was crying so hard my face felt numb from the cold. normally, i'm good at logical reasoning and philosophizing. i can hold my ground fairly well. but there are times when it doesn't matter. sometimes, people don't need some proper (smart-alecky) christlike answer, they just want to know if they aren't alone in their feelings. my mom, dad and friends didn't try to sound clever or upright -- no sugar-coating, no sentimental bull -- just unadulterated sincerity from people who deeply care.
i'm hoping my grandmother will recover as she did months ago when i was forced to go back to the bay area. and if you must know, i decided, i shall walk with God all the days of my life because well, someday i want all my questions answered. and yes, i do love Him.
"Come now, let us reason together," Says the LORD.
-- Isaiah 1:18
since 2004.10